I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
