well you can't waste a boner
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
