Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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