im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
not ubering you a puppy
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
