I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
