You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
