Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
