Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
