I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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