so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
