I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Randomize
