Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
