I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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