my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Randomize
