i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
