be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
