I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
