God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
