all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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