She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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