A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
