dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
