Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
