my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You don't make any sense
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