just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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