He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
