So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
