I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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