What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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