Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
