im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
