My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
