Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
