He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
