WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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