If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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