you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
