Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
