she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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