The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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