I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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