there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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