There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
