dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
