Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
