So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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