im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
