Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
