remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
