one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
