Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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