I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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